At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
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