How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
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