I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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