Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I can see my step sister's thong. Don't know if I should let myself be turned on or not
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
Randomize
