nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
