just come out here and I will go home with you...
Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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