The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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