i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
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