I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
