I cockslap morals
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
Randomize
