Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Cant leave im designed bacon maker you come here
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
