the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Fuck you I wanted that fabulous flaming homo to win american idol...its like we lost the gay marriage vote...again
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So getting drunk in honor of the bomb threat is legit right?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
that may or may not have been my penis.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
