Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
