low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm going to bed early so football can come sooner
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Sexual side note: sushi and cum do not mix well. That is all.
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