i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
