Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
