I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Randomize
