first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
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