You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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