omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I don't have enough holes for all these australians
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Its guy fieris flavor town of suffering™
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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