There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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