upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
No stitches, just platelets and will power
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
