your parents love me but you hate me
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
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I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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