"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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