remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
chatroulette drinking game turned into a foursome.
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He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
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Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
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