what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
My breasts were aching with rage.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
