I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
