That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
