Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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