I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
