My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
