woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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