When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
