all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
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