I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
