What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
