Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Randomize
