so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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