Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!
Thanks, mom.
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Randomize
