I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..
i'll start checking the bushes on campus.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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