He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I can show you the world. Shining, splimbering vaginaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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