I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
I am available for nakedness
I'm glad we smoked together,that was probs the biggest sibling bonding we will ever have.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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