Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
