I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
That's like the cock version of a mortal kombat fatality.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
