I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
