I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
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