It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
Her life must suck. All she's got is "Miss Shamrock" WHICH SHE LOST!
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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