Help. Asians are flirting in front of me(773): They speak asian
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
