Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
i will never coherently bang her
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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