my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Juss got out of jail; shes still in there tryin to sing her abc's backwards bc the cops neva asked her too... Whebever she gets to t she starts singin the tequilla song
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Randomize
