Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Randomize
