Definitely locked eyes with the stripper who gave me a lapdance last night as she walked by me and into the Ann Taylor Loft in Times Square.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
