Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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