I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
By the way. I expect to test the theory of you running a mile drunk for memorial day.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
