:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Randomize
