woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
The day will come again young grasshopper. For now you must complete your training of patience and tongue biting
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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