Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Getting stoned and sitting front row in a legal class.. Not my best idea
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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