and you said cock pushups were impossible
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
